can bring a million smiles to a heart filled with tears. 

Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, that cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. ~ RM Rilke

I’m not sure if I’m better or worse. I have hope but I feel lifeless. I have major goals but I feel repressed.

Sometimes I think about how fun it would be, just to leave everything behind and take off, relocate to California, Hawaii, or somewhere in the mountains, and not be near an ounce of technology for months. I wonder what it would be like.

And, I wonder what it would be like not to stick by head in the toilet and vomit up all my food. For just one day. I really wonder what it would be like.

My boyfriend yells at me consistently. Then, he comes home hours later and tries to make me feel better. And, I continue to take it. I wonder what it would be like if things weren’t this way.

Yet, I love him. He is strong, sexy, intimidating to others, and I love that he is protective of me. He watches the way others look at me and is always sure to take care of me.

It’s a bipolar relationship. Much like myself. Bi in so many ways.

I was thinking about what things were like when I was 16. When no one else in the world mattered, only myself. I truly thought I knew everything.

Now, I’m 26, closing in on 27 … 

and I realize that I know nothing.

That knowledge continues on forever - and to say you’ve ever been “enlightened” is a huge joke. Because, we are only mortals. We live, we die, we rot, and hopefully (depending upon personal beliefs) we ascend.

My head won’t rest. Peace? How can I find peace when my mind is ridden with anxiety? How can I relax. Relaxation makes me nervous. I should be doing something. I need to move. I need to stuff my face. I want this muffin. I want this pizza. I want this now. I stuff my face. I feel disgusted. I lower my head into the oh-so-familiar toilet and get rid of it all. Purge. Cycle. Repeat. Story of my life. I’m so fucking sick of looking at toilet bowls more than making eye contact with people. Look at these sick facts. This is where I spend most time.

Toilet Bowl > Friends

Toilet Bowl > Family

Toilet Bowl > Taking a nice run outside

Toilet Bowl > Beach and Ocean

Toilet Bowl > Sleeping (many times)

Toilet Bowl > Grilling

Toilet Bowl > Spirituality

Because of Bulimia I could lose

my job

my friends

my life

my musical skills

my art

my teeth

my esophogus

my love

much more

SO where dear God can I find peace? Why won’t my soul rest? And if I can’t find the answer to that, How can I rest my soul? Where is PEACE?

Just returned home from a wonderful (and partially dramatic) trip back home. It’s always so wonderful to visit mom and dad - never thought I’d say that. I didn’t open up about how horrible my bulimia has gotten. Though I’m sure they are wondering about why I’ve lost quite a lot of weight, and knowing my past - they expect it. But openly admitting that I have a problem to them would only worry them - and being that I live nearly 1200 miles away, I don’t want to burden them with worry about whether their daughter is going to live or die.

I did however, open up about my ED to my boyfriend’s mother. That was a mistake, however she continued to inquire “do you have bulimia? you sure do eat a lot for being so tiny…” I finally answered yes, and over time it seemingly opened a big can of worms. Suddenly the entire house was tense and I could tell it was on everyone’s mind (but no one would open up about it). Anyway, his mother and step-dad got very angry after that and I couldn’t wait to leave. After about a week, she gave me a call to express her concern, admitted that she was angry, and explained that I need to make a choice, that I’m not keeping a secret, yadda, yadda. I know I’m not keeping a fucking secret. I’ve had an ED since I was 13. I’m 26. Hello?! She also continued to explain how people in the corporate world “know” and will “eat me alive” because they pray on “weakness.”

First off, I don’t see this as a weakness. I see it as a disease that I must work very hard to get under control. I will have this so-called weakness my entire life, whether I’m displaying the behavior or not, whether it is under control or not, the memoir of years of starving, binging, purging, over exercising, etc will always remain with me - memories that sadly I can’t forget.

Sorry, I have to vent. She only meant well… but it’s just so difficult to accept advice from someone who has never dealt with an ED themselves.

Gotta run for now. Ciao!

when he left, so that I couldn’t buy cigarettes and binge food.